Joy in the Morning

Poignant Christmas

2010-01-01T09:02:00.005-07:00

Everyone who knows me probably remembers that Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. Except for the year of 2009. I spent the holiday far from home in a hospice facility beside the bed of my dying mother.
I've actually had an inkling all year that she was close to leaving this earthly existence. In March I went with Chersten and Halli to MT to visit. It was so important that she meet her newest great-grandaughter. In July, I made sure that she went to the family reunion in OR even though I didn't make it there. And when she came to stay with me after the reunion I was thrilled. I thought, "What a great blessing it is to be able to spend time with her." And then all we did was go to Dr.'s appointments and physical therapy. She never got to do the things she really wanted to do in UT because of her health and being worn out with medical appointments. Hindsight truly is 20/20. If I could have projected myself to this day and felt what I'm feeling now, then things would have been very different.
I would have said YES everytime she wanted to get an icecream cone after physical therapy instead of saying "No, thank you for me but you go ahead and get one. I need to get home and make dinner."
I would have skipped physical therapy on the days that she asked, "Do I have to go?"
I would have never said, "We need to hurry, you're going to be late," when she would go into the bathroom to fix her hair and put on lipstick.
I would have taken her shopping more and been more patient when we went to the store and she had to look at EVERYTHING.
I would not have been offended by her irritableness and understood that it was caused by the mini strokes she was having. I would not have been irritable back to her.
I would have taken her on more scenic drives and less drives to have blood drawn or x-rays taken.
I would have not worried when it took 3 hours at a restaurant, but would have enjoyed her company more.
I would have been less task oriented and more relationship oriented.
I would have taken the time to do the things she would love to do instead of all the time with my "have to do list."
I would have never rushed her.
I would have hugged her more and checked on her more often and on the days she didn't want to get up I would have coaxed her out of bed with the promise of a fun day.
I would have let my stress go over the other things happening and realized this was the last time in my life I would spend a summer with her.

How do you live life with no regrets? How do you make each day and each encounter with every person count for what is most important? How do you let go of the stressful part of life and enjoy those you love?

If I had last summer again, I would hold her hand, and stroke her face and tell her over and over how much I love her. I wouldn't miss any opportunity to make a joyful moment with her.

She died on December 28, 2009. Her dying was peaceful, one moment she was breathing and the next she was gone. I always thought I could imagine how painful it is to lose your mother. But I was wrong.

Trip to Montana

2009-03-29T23:54:00.010-06:00

Murphy's Law (if something's going to go wrong - it will) became our motto on the trip to Great Falls, MT to see my mom. It was a girl's trip with Chersten, Halli and myself. We were going to see Jane Nickeson (DeVonne's mom, Chersten's grandma, & Halli's great-grandma).

Thursday, 3/5- We were supposed to leave on Thursday morning, but Chersten was playing piano in the evening with the Community Choir and also the weather prohibited us.

Friday, 3/6 We were going to leave on Friday, but when I checked the weather forecast - things didn't look so good so we postponed the trip until Sat.

Saturday, 3/7 Halli woke up with a cough. We made a Dr.s apointment just to be on the safe side. We couldn't get in until noon and when we did, he told us it was because she was teething! He was a PA and has misdiagnosed several patients (found this out way later). We left his office, got on the freeway and listened to books on tape until we got to Butte, MT. I couldn't remember how far Great Falls was from there. Someone said 4-5 hours so since it was dinner time and we were tired we stopped at a motel. It was a lot of fun. We had a cooler and made ourselves ham & turkey sandwiches and watched tv. Halli's cough got worse.

Sunday, 3/8 Halli is really sick now. She's got the runny nose, cough, fever and she didn't sleep much last night. We tried to get in to see a Dr. but would you believe that there were none opened to treat a pediatric patient unless we went to the ER at the hospital. So we had a great buffet breakfast and Halli just got sicker and sicker.

Monday 3/9 We were very worried about exposing Grandpa & Grandma to any illness, so we found a Dr. in Butte and couldn't get in until 2pm. She had an ear infection. We left his office and went straight to Wal-Mart to get a prescription which took about 30 min. to get. We made a decision to go on to Great Falls. We arrived about 6:30 pm. Halli was not a happy camper and Chersten had another sleep-interrupted night. I felt bad for her because I know she thought they shouldn't have come on the trip but I'm glad they did!

Tuesday 3/10 Halli finally felt a little better towards the evening. We tried not to get her germs on the grandparents. We waited until Halli had been on antibiotics for at least 24 hours before letting grandma hold her. We thought about going to the store but it was about 5 degrees below zero - so we stayed in. Chersten helped my mom clean out some papers and I found the Quarter collection coin book my mom's been looking for (two years), that had fallen down behind the file drawer. She thought someone had stolen it. We took a four generation picture.

Oldest to youngest - Jane Blythe Brock Nickeson,

DeVonne Brock Allred, Chersten Allred Wright

& Halli Paige Wright!

Wednesday 3/11 We had to leave for home today. Halli is back to her cheerful self.

Great Grandma & Halli having a fun moment together!

So . . . . the actual time we were supposed to be with my mom was one week and it ended up being about 36 hours. She was as disappointed as we were, but it was so good to see her and let her meet her great-grandaughter. Right after we crossed the border into Utah, we were greeted with this awesome sunset. The multitude of beautiful things that our God has created for us to enjoy never ceases to amaze me. It seems like those things say to us, "All is right with my life - the little inconveniences mean nothing in the grand scheme of things."

Chrismas 2008

2009-01-03T23:50:00.016-07:00

Gingerbread House creation with NO adult supervision!

"Cute" Trevin

Aunt Heather with Halli

"soft" Lexi

Brenden & baby Halli

Rudy, Trevin & Lexi

Halli loves the lights on the tree!

Taelor & Brenden

Halli's 1st Christmas

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Always has been and always will be. This year I didn't start my shopping until December 19th at 6pm during a blizzard. I didn't get all my cards sent and when I started to panic after reviewing my "to do" list, I calmed myself down by taking a permanent marker and crossing off each thing that would end up making me work myself to the point of having to stay in bed and recuperate. I practiced my new way of doing things so that I wouldn't "over-do - crash - and burn!" I enjoyed our Christmas Eve and Christmas day because it was spent with my husband, children and grandchildren. I pondered the Christmas story as we read it from the Bible on Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning all of the adults were up before the kids (first time in history) and we finally woke them up at 6:30. My favorite time was when everyone was together in the family room and the noise level was NOISY! I watched the reactions on the faces as they opened their gifts. An extra gift for me . . . it snowed all day. What a beautiful white Christmas. I again watched their faces in the glowing candlelight around the dinner table and I felt at peace. Even though I went to bed before 7:30 pm, I had enjoyed the wondrous holiday. I feel so much gratitude for family, friends, neighbors, and especially our Savior Jesus Christ. May we all feel his light and peace in our lives.

Cricket Fear

2009-01-02T01:11:00.004-07:00

During my lifetime, there are countless ways and means that I've been able to overcome my fears. Sometimes it takes a long time and practice and using several different methods before I felt I had conquered the problem. This is about one of those times when I was forced to face my fear and get over it quickly. It all started when my friend asked if I could watch her son's lizards while they went out of town. I asked the typical questions, "Do I have to touch them?, Do they bite?, How do I feed them?" I decided that I could "watch" Lizzie and Sport, as long as I didn't have to feed them the live crickets. There was NO WAY I was going to touch a live cricket. I talked my husband into doing the feeding, and was so relieved because I thought I might have a heart attack if I actually had to pick one up!

Well, she brought them over. I held Lizzie and tried to pet Sport. Then she brought in the container with 1oo crickets. I was fine as long as I didn't look at them. She left and we were making Lizzie and Sport comfortable with their new surroundings when my husband knocked the cricket container off the kitchen counter and yes of course the lid came off and well . . . there were 100 of the nasty little things hopping around and it took all 3 of us to catch them and put them in their box. I pointed at each one as it got away and my boys caught them and put them in their acrylic home. I didn't need to point out that even if one solitary critter got away, I wouldn't sleep all night and if I did, I would have nightmares.

Before leaving, my friend gave strict instructions which my husband and I listened to very carefully. My son was standing right there nodding and so I thought he understood how to take care of the feeding, holding, etc.

It was too quiet when I got up the next morning. My husband had left for work and Brenden wasn't in is room and I knew that he was home because it was Christmas break. I went downstairs and saw a sight that left me dumbfounded. My mouth was open but no words were coming out and then when they did, they were in tones that the neighbors could hear through closed doors and windows. Brenden had decided to feed the lizards. Lizzie, who had eaten 4 crickets the day before was not to have any for another day. Her instructions were to eat 3-4 every other day. There were about 8 of the horrid things hopping around in her glass home. In a decibel louder than I thought I could speak I ask him how many she had eaten for breakfast before I came in. He whispered, "four". I went into panic mode (same mode I used to go in when I was an EMT and had an amublance call and had to save someones life!) With my bare hands I got those crickets out of there in 2 seconds flat.

But . . . it gets worse. The little lizard, Sport could only have one a day 'cause he's still quite young. Don't even try to guess how many were in his cage and how many he had eaten. It was enough to put me in shock. My mind was going over how I was going to explain to my friend's little boy that his lizard had died and would my friend still want to be my friend!

After I calmed down a bit, I called and found out that lizards are not like fish. They do not eat too much and die (we'd had that happen already with Pal, the fish). I was assured that the lizards would be okay, but I kept that information from Brenden because I wanted to prolong the teaching "moment". I really wanted him to understand that there are consequences to our actions, and sometimes the consequences are big when it comes to caring for a living thing. I wanted him to "think about" it for a while.

After him asking me to go see if Lizzie and Sport were dead and asking me if Santa had ever left coal instead of presents for anyone in our family, I sat down with him and had a good talk. He was relieved and so was I for a very different reason.

I had not set out that day to have a "conquer my fears" experience but life always throws those curve balls and I ended up having one. We've had Lizzie and Sport for 13 days now. I feed them and clean out the cricket cage when it needs it. I didn't have a panic attack or a heart attack when I found a live cricket next to my bed the other night before crawling in. I calmly picked it up and put it back in it's box where it belongs. Of course it isn't only live crickets that I feared, but I don't want to even think about it if I had to pick up a live spider!

I've been tagged!

2008-10-17T22:10:00.005-06:00

I am - a blessed woman
I know - way less than I thought I would know at my age
I want - to make a difference in this life
I have - much more than I need
I dislike - sales calls, slow drivers, hot days and spiders
I miss - my mom and my good health
I feel - blessed to see, hear, walk and talk
I hear - Brenden playing his Play Station snowboarding game
I smell - the wonderful aroma of blueberry, apple cider & woodberry candles we are making
I crave - fresh crab & sour dough bread from Fisherman's Wharf in SF
I cry - probably once a day (at least)
I search - for the glasses that are usually on my head, my keys in my hand and purse on my shoulder
I wonder - if I'll ever really grow up
I regret - cleaning my house more than playing with my kids when they were little
I love - snow, beautiful music, my family, Christmas,
I care - about everyone's feelings
I worry - about things that are not in my control
I remember - the wonderful feeling of holding my babies and my grand babies
I believe - in Christ
I dance - all the time when I clean my house
I don't - scuba dive
I argue - about everything!
I write - when I'm happy or depressed
I win - when I overcome my childish nature
I lose - whenever I'm angry
I wish - that my children and grandchildren live lives that make them happy
I listen - to my soul
I can usually be found watching - hawks flying, deer grazing, sunsets & children
I am scared - of nothing
I need - to know I'm loved and accepted
I forget - to tell people how much I love them
I am happy - when all my children and grandchildren are here

Halli Paige Wright

2008-08-30T11:11:00.000-06:00

Our newest grandaughter - Halli Paige Wright.
Do you think she hates her headband?

Lexi Ortega

2008-08-03T00:27:00.012-06:00

Lexi Lou taken in June 08

Lexi and her big brown eyes. Her Grandpa Ortega calls her "Penny" because her eyes are so round and brown. Grandma Allred calls her "Lexi-Lou" for no special reason. She is a special little angel.

Lexi wearing grandpa's shoes!

Lexi - Mother's Day 07

Trevin holding his new sister Lexi. Usually he's trying to sit on her, pinch her or bite her. Sibling rivalry at it's best!

Lexi's Blessing Day

Happy Rudy & Lexi

Beautiful Heather & Lexi

Lexi - about 6-7 hours old

Trevin Ortega

2008-07-29T22:01:00.009-06:00

Cowboy Trevin 2008

Brenden, Taelor, Trevin 2006

Trevin - Fall 2005

Cousins - Taelor & Trevin 2005

Brenden & Trevin 2005

Beautiful Heather & Trevin 2005

Rudy & Trevin 2005

More of Halli and her family

2008-07-22T17:08:00.009-06:00

Halli Paige Wright at one week old

Taelor & Halli "communicating"

Chersten & Halli

Taelor & Halli!

Jared, Taelor & Halli

Living With Chronic Illness

2008-07-17T00:43:00.015-06:00

Our good friends in Idaho invited us to go snowmobiling in Yellowstone Park with them. We were really excited. We had never been. They already had the snowmobiles and their daughters were willing to babysit for us. We were ready for an adventure so we hopped in the car and drove to Idaho Falls. I had mentioned to my friends that I probably couldn't do anything really strenuous or stay on the snowmobiles for very long and I felt like they understood that I had some chronic fatigue and pain. (No one really understands it unless they have something similar or have a family member with it - but that's expected - why should they understand something they know nothing about?) We were up at the crack of dawn and at West Yellowstone by 7am. It was so beautiful and enjoyable for about the first 75 miles. As the day wore on and the temperature dropped, I kept asking, "How much further. . . I'm really tired?" And they would say it wasn't very far. At about 7 pm when I knew I had reached my limit, I found out we had at least 30 more miles to go . . . the entire trip was about 125 miles! The last of those miles were ridden on washboard roads, in darkness and bitter cold.

I held on the best I could and cried most of the way. At the end, it literally took 10 minutes to pry me off the snowmobile and carry me to the car. I had the strangest feeling that I might actually die. After arriving at their home and taking a warm bath, and pain medicine, I laid in bed awake. My husband was very concerned at the way I was breathing and grunting every time I had to move or take a breath. I finally drifted off and fortunately by the next evening I was feeling much better. That day though, was my introduction to what chronic illness was really doing to my body.

It didn't start out this bad - in fact it came on suddenly. I had a pain in my back and side and thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out it was Shingles. I had an internal kind that don't show up on the outside, so I wasn't diagnosed right away. Because of that some of the nerves coming off my spine were permanently damaged and that turned into a secondary condition called , Postherpetic Neuralgia (that's where the damaged nerves send constant pain messages to the brain) At the same time I had the Epstein Barr Virus (like mono) which caused the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, and probably was responsible for activating the Shingles in the first place. I now have added metabolic syndrome and degeneration of the spine. Just seems like one chronic thing leads to another. My adult life has been divided into "before mom got sick" and "now mom never feels good". I could go on and on about what an active lifestyle I led before but suffice it to say I was probably hyperactive in my approach to life and even perfectionistic in everything I did. And then EVERYTHING changed!

It's been fourteen years now. Fourteen years since I could go mountain biking with my family and actually feel good the next day. Fourteen years since I could clean my house and not be in severe pain. I can't remember what it feels like to feel really good. Fourteen years have marked the passage from living a healthy, active lifestyle to barely getting up each day, functioning at a minimum level. And then there's the depression that comes with chronic illness.

Needless to say this has been devastating for my family. It took about 7 years before I realized how much my illness was affecting them. A person with chronic illness always thinks about him/herself first. You're just trying to survive, wondering if this family vacation will put you in bed for a week or if that meeting you attend will make you too tired to cook dinner tonight. Everything was revolving around whether or not I felt good. I saved up my energy to do just barely what had to be done - in my home, my relationships and in my church activities. I finally put myself in their place and what a revelation I had. They too have lived with this for 14 years suffering right along with me. They suffer in a different way and yet it is still suffering. Since my realization, I try to do more with and for them but my offerings are meager and only a percentage of what I was able to do before.

It's been said that the suffering (if we allow it) will change us in ways that make us better people.
This reminds me of a parable by George MacDonald, paraphrased by C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage; but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

And the process continues.

What I really wanted to write about is what the illness has done for me. I've gained a tremendous amount of patience, tenacity, non-judgmentalness (is that a word?), trust in the Lord, unselfishness, charity, faith, and hope. But as I began to think about what to say about what I've learned, I felt like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the earth. I'm not patient and I'm not necessarily a kinder person. I still question God and occasionally ask the question "why me - why us?" I laid in bed, unable to sleep the other night and wondered if I have truly learned anything valuable at all, and then the epiphany came. YES I have learned patience and many of the attributes that I want to emulate . . . I just haven't let them spill over into the other areas of my life. I practice them all the time when it's about my illness, but when other suffering comes (heartbreak over relationships, financial hardships, etc.) I haven't allowed all that wonderful learning to help me through the new pain. I thought, "I know how to be patient because I have had that lesson and here it is: 1. Trust in the Lord 2. In the heat of the moment stop and take a deep breath and remember 3. Let go and allow His way to be my way.

A question we always have to ask ourselves about any trial in life is, "Will I allow this to destroy me or make me a better person?" If I do the above 3 things, I will become a better person. There is no other option. This lets me have joy in the midst of all the pain. In fact, joy makes the pain (physical or emotional) go away for a time. The other day, I happened to be very emotional over some family happenings and at the same time I was watching my grandchildren. I was trying not to cry while interacting with them, but little three year old Trevin noticed my dried up tear stains and asked, "Grandma, why are you sad?" I replied that sometimes I just feel sad and he said, " But there are no raindrops on your face!" That was a wonderful moment that made me smile, give him a big hug and feel joy.

Brenden's1st Pinewood Derby

2008-07-16T23:59:00.005-06:00

The Boy & His Car
The Race

The Awards

Seeds of Charity

2008-07-15T18:50:00.006-06:00

It was June 1964 in Great Falls, MT
It had rained all spring. It rained so long and hard that when there were short intervals between the downpour, nothing had time to dry out. I had just celebrated my 9th birthday, and was the oldest of five children. My mother had been recently divorced and struggled to make ends meet. My father lived a few miles away.
The state officials had warned the town that the dam was at capacity and near breaking point. We were told that there would probably be a flood and estimations were that the water would be about one foot deep on the main floor, and just the basements would be submerged. It was raining again and my father came over to bring the hot water heater up from downstairs in order to save it. My parents hurried to put everything up high on shelves and counters just in case we were evacuated.
Suddenly there were helicopters flying overhead with sound systems blaring the urgent message, "Get out now! The dam has broken! The water is coming!
My mother handed each one of us older children a brown paper bag and told us to go to our rooms and get some clothes. "NO toys", were her instructions! I left my new blue stuffed birthday dog on my bed, along with my favorite doll and filled my sack. I then said good-bye to my three pollywogs in the bucket by the back porch. They had just grown their back legs. I had big plans of teaching them how to do tricks just as soon as they had turned into frogs.
Inside the car, we were silent and scared as we drove across town to a friend's house to spend the night. My mother left and we all went to bed. Later that night she came to me and held me in her arms while she sobbed. She had stood on a hill above our home and watched the flood waters cover it up, with only the point of the roof sticking out of the water. As a child, I didn't know what to say because I couldn't understand her deep emotion and loss. She did not have a husband to comfort her, she had just lost every material thing she had except for our car and she had lost her faith in God. She was truly a broken woman. It would be many years before I understood that.
The next morning we all went to a shelter to stay. My mother was gone most of the day and the only thing I remember is the very unpleasant experience of having a Typhoid Fever shot and sitting on my cot crying because my arm hurt. We went from shelter to temporary housing, waiting for the rain to stop and the flood waters to recede. They eventually did, but what was left behind was a sight I will never forget.
The mess was unbelievable. There were dead cows and other farm animals lying around. The stench was unbearable and magnified with mildew, mold, and mud. Floods leave behind a brown, slick, sticky mud called silt. It covers everything and was about 2-3" deep everywhere. Most of the things in our home were unrecognizable and my mother couldn't get over how the six foot upright piano was across the room on it's side, while a glass in the kitchen cupboard hadn't moved. Nearly everything was pulled out and thrown away. My mother was so sad when they had to chop up the piano with an ax to get it out.
She threw away my favorite doll along with my blue birthday dog and I cried and cried about the doll because I'd had it since my first birthday. She later rummaged through the garbage, got it out, washed and disinfected it and gave it back to me. Looking back on all the important things my mom had to worry about and take care of, I marvel that she would do that for me. That's the kind of mother she's always been. I think the only ones happy about this whole ordeal were the three pollywogs who had escaped their bucket prison.
Many months went by and we stayed in several temporary places. Our family was chosen to be helped by the American Red Cross. Our house was located in the hardest hit area of the flood. They went in and put up new sheet rock, fixed everything and gave my mother $1,000.00 to furnish our home and in 1964 that was enough to get what we needed. We were so excited to move back in and the big day finally arrived. It was just several days before Christmas when I came through the front door and saw the clean, freshly painted home with new furniture. My 9 year old heart swelled with such gratitude, I could hardly contain myself. We went from room to room, "oohing and aahing" over everything. We put Christmas music on and celebrated that year with a new appreciation for life, and especially for people who care. My feelings were incredulous that someone who did not know us would help us like that. The Red Cross is not just an organization -it is manned by people who gave my mother back her faith and hope in God. For me, the seeds of charity had been planted, which would lead me later on in life to follow Jesus Christ and understand His plan for me.
I can not smell new paint without being flooded with memories and feelings of that Christmas - my experience with Christlike mankind. Many times I will get something out to paint at Christmas time, just so that I can have that smell in our home. I'm alway carried back to the night I walked through the door of our remodeled little house, the paint fresh, the feelings tender, and faith renewed.

Ice cream for breakfast

2008-07-14T11:49:00.001-06:00

Okay - I am so technology challenged that I had to eat two ice cream sandwiches just to get through creating this blog. That was my breakfast!