January 1, 2010

Poignant Christmas

Everyone who knows me probably remembers that Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. Except for the year of 2009. I spent the holiday far from home in a hospice facility beside the bed of my dying mother.
I've actually had an inkling all year that she was close to leaving this earthly existence. In March I went with Chersten and Halli to MT to visit. It was so important that she meet her newest great-grandaughter. In July, I made sure that she went to the family reunion in OR even though I didn't make it there. And when she came to stay with me after the reunion I was thrilled. I thought, "What a great blessing it is to be able to spend time with her." And then all we did was go to Dr.'s appointments and physical therapy. She never got to do the things she really wanted to do in UT because of her health and being worn out with medical appointments. Hindsight truly is 20/20. If I could have projected myself to this day and felt what I'm feeling now, then things would have been very different.
I would have said YES everytime she wanted to get an icecream cone after physical therapy instead of saying "No, thank you for me but you go ahead and get one. I need to get home and make dinner."
I would have skipped physical therapy on the days that she asked, "Do I have to go?"
I would have never said, "We need to hurry, you're going to be late," when she would go into the bathroom to fix her hair and put on lipstick.
I would have taken her shopping more and been more patient when we went to the store and she had to look at EVERYTHING.
I would not have been offended by her irritableness and understood that it was caused by the mini strokes she was having. I would not have been irritable back to her.
I would have taken her on more scenic drives and less drives to have blood drawn or x-rays taken.
I would have not worried when it took 3 hours at a restaurant, but would have enjoyed her company more.
I would have been less task oriented and more relationship oriented.
I would have taken the time to do the things she would love to do instead of all the time with my "have to do list."
I would have never rushed her.
I would have hugged her more and checked on her more often and on the days she didn't want to get up I would have coaxed her out of bed with the promise of a fun day.
I would have let my stress go over the other things happening and realized this was the last time in my life I would spend a summer with her.

How do you live life with no regrets? How do you make each day and each encounter with every person count for what is most important? How do you let go of the stressful part of life and enjoy those you love?

If I had last summer again, I would hold her hand, and stroke her face and tell her over and over how much I love her. I wouldn't miss any opportunity to make a joyful moment with her.

She died on December 28, 2009. Her dying was peaceful, one moment she was breathing and the next she was gone. I always thought I could imagine how painful it is to lose your mother. But I was wrong.